I was at a training recently and someone asked a question that stopped me cold.
What do you want the next 20 years of your life to look like?
On the surface, 20 years sounds like a long time. But when I think about the last 20, it is only a blink. And when I do the math, I realize that in 20 years I will be 71. My husband will be almost 80. Our mobility may be different. The trips we can take, the things we can build, the way we move through the world, all of it will have shifted.
That question cracked something open for me.
I started thinking about my career and what I still want to create. My marriage and who we will both become. Travel and experiences and how many are still available to us. And underneath all of it, the question I could not stop sitting with:
What legacy am I leaving?
Most people think of legacy as a financial inheritance. But for me it is so much more than that. Legacy is the thoughts you think, the habits you carry, the narratives you pass down without even knowing it. Research suggests that our family patterns travel seven generations. The ideas you have about yourself, about the world, about whether you are enough, came from way, way back. And they have been moving through your family line ever since.
While my great-great-great grandchildren will never know me, I want them to feel the work I did. I want them to inherit a woman who worked hard to let go of the thoughts that kept her small.
The Evidence I Used to Collect
Our eyes can only see and our ears can only hear what the mind is already looking for.
For a long time, my mind was trained to find evidence that I was not good enough.
I did not bake cookies from scratch for school drop-off. Not good enough. I did not raise my hand for the board of directors. Not good enough. I was not invited into the women’s group. Not good enough. Does not fit in. Unlikeable.
And on and on. Collecting evidence was easy because it was what I had learned. It was the operating system I was running.
But here is what I know now. A computer can only do what it is programmed to do until there is an update. I have spent years creating updates. And I have built an entire system to help women see themselves clearly, question the programming they inherited, and rewrite what gets passed forward.
Where My System Came From
My family escaped from communism under the cover of night in Hungary. With four children ranging from newborn to thirteen years old, they walked out into waist-deep snow with the Russians behind them. My grandfather told them to step only in his footprints in case there were bombs in the snow.
That is a story of power, courage, and doing the right thing at extraordinary cost. That legacy lives in me.
But legacies carry shadows too.
They were not allowed to ask questions. Questions could get you killed. So I grew up acting like I knew things I did not, because asking felt dangerous. If I had kept that pattern, I never would have become a coach. The entire job is asking questions.
Intelligence was prized above creativity. That belief kept me from writing my book for years.
And you do anything for family. That one taught me self-sacrifice to a fault. Overresponsibility. Absorbing what was not mine to carry.
I had to look at my system. See where those narratives came from. And build an upgrade that made room for creativity, collaboration, and self-regulation.
That is the work. And it is available to all of us.
An Exercise: Update Your System
Take a few quiet minutes and ask yourself:
What thoughts am I carrying that are undermining me right now? What does my inner voice say about me on a hard day? Would I want the person I love most to hear that voice in their head?
We speak so gently to our pets, to our children, to the people we adore. We can learn to turn that toward ourselves.
I have started a practice. When I wake in the middle of the night and my mind starts running, I say quietly: it is okay, little Gretchen. It is not time to solve problems now. Go back to sleep. We will handle this in the morning.
Instead of claiming I am an insomniac, I am claiming that I can self-soothe.
These shifts are small. But they change the entire trajectory of a life. And a legacy.
When we close the door on old thinking, old habits, and patterns that no longer serve us, possibilities open up. My great-great-great grandchildren may never know my name. But they will feel the work I did. My ownership of being more than enough, wonderfully and perfectly made, will ripple forward through my kids, their kids, and every generation after.
Each one gets better and better.
If This Work Resonates
This is exactly what we go deep on inside SheFirst. The internal work that makes the external work sustainable.
If you are ready to examine the system you inherited and build one that serves who you are becoming, The Authority Method on May 1 is your next step. We work on the internal and external dimensions of authority together, how you see yourself and how the room experiences you.
Reserve your seat at the link below. Investment is $149 and the workshop is live on Zoom, Friday May 1, 10am to 12pm PT. A replay and materials go to every registered participant.
Reserve Your Seat Here
And if you want to go even deeper on the invisible stories shaping how you lead, love, and live, the first chapter of my book Break Free From Your Dirty Little Secrets is yours for free, print or audio, at the link below.
Grab the first chapter of my book HERE.
Much love,
Gretchen
