My husband and I spent the last 10 months getting used to life as empty nesters.
At first, we weren’t sure how to be in it. The house was quiet. The rhythm was different. It felt unfamiliar, even awkward.
Not because we don’t like each other, but because we were in a new season, and it takes time to find your footing in the new.
We missed the kids. And if we were honest, we idealized what it had been like to have them home.
We caught ourselves believing, “It was better when they were here.” We romanticized the chaos, the noise, the movement. We forgot how hard it had been at times.
Then summer came.
Both kids moved back in temporarily, and we were hit with the reality of what we’d forgotten: it’s complicated.
We found ourselves getting annoyed.
Frustrated.
Bumping up against their habits, their pace, their choices. And we started rehearsing a new belief: “It’s easier when they’re gone.”
It was a classic swap, one over-rehearsed belief for another.
But here’s what I know to be true:
You will always live up, or down, to the beliefs you practice most.
Not the ones you claim to believe.
The ones you actually follow.
The ones you rehearse in your mind, repeat in your language, and act out in your behavior.
For me, the belief that was running the show was this:
“In order to be a fully contributing member of the family, you need to be productive.”
I grew up with that.
It’s in my bones.
And it showed up fast, me scanning for evidence of laziness, calling out messy rooms, questioning how they planned to pay for things, getting triggered by what I saw as a lack of hustle.
But here’s what that belief did:
It shut down connection.
It created tension.
It made me more focused on performance than relationship.
And I knew it. I could see myself doing it. I coach people through this exact thing.
So I gave myself an experiment:
What would happen if I didn’t say a word?
No comments about rooms, jobs, insurance, wake-up times.
Nothing.
And here’s what happened:
My youngest opened up.
He told me his goals. He shared his plan—unprompted.
He asked for help making SMART goals around what he wanted, not what I was pushing.
And it hit me.
Again.
When we drop the belief that we know how it “should” go, connection has a chance to breathe.
So many of our personal beliefs are over-rehearsed rules.
Inherited ideas.
Unexamined truths.
And they are often running the show behind the scenes.
You may not even realize what beliefs you’re acting out—but your results will show you.
Conflict? Disconnection? Resentment? Resistance?
They all have a belief beneath them.
This week, here’s your assignment:
1. Identify one over-rehearsed belief that’s creating friction.
Look for it in your parenting, your relationships, your leadership, your self-talk.
2. Ask: Is this belief true? Is it mine? Is it helpful?
3. Try a 24-hour pause.
Drop the behavior that reinforces it.
Don’t act it out.
Just observe.
What shifts when you stop running the script?
You are not your beliefs.
You are the observer. The one who gets to choose.
And you are allowed to write a new belief—and rehearse that instead.
Let me know what comes up.
I read every reply.
With love,
Gretchen
