Secrets come in many forms. A secret can be the action that you’ve taken, the lies that you’ve told, the time you hit that car in the parking lot and didn’t leave a note, the debt, the affair, the lying on the resume…
But secrets are also the hidden thoughts you have about yourself and the lens that you look at life through. These secrets are damaging because they become the way you filter your world. They can be narratives like, “I’m not good enough,” “I’m too much,” “I’m too little,” “I should be nicer,” “I’m a fraud,” “People like me can’t do that,” and on and on and on.
Stage 7 of my 10-Stage Secret-Breaking System is Tell Your Secret. This is the part where you let go of the shame you’ve carried–for good. Keep reading to learn how!
Who to Tell Your Secrets to
The first part of telling your secret is all about identifying who you should tell the secret to. Remember, you probably don’t want to go around and drink a bottle of wine and call your ex to tell them all of your secrets.
When you tell your secret to someone, you want to make sure it’s not going to cause more damage than if you didn’t. It’s really important that you pay attention to who you choose.
But before I go any further…If you haven’t worked through the other six stages yet, I don’t recommend starting with Tell Your Secret. You’ll need to do a lot of prep work in your mind and spirit to work up to this stage!
So, what should you do when it comes to figuring out who to tell? Well, here’s a checklist:
- Choose someone who won’t be put into an awkward position or harm by learning the secret. For instance, if you had an affair, do not call your husband’s sister to let her know that you had that affair. That would cause damage.
- You want to make sure that it’s someone who holds you in their highest regard. Someone who can hold the information and keep it private. Remember to follow your intuition!
- Look for someone who can listen objectively and give you compassion. They don’t need to try to fix you, but they should have some wisdom and be trustworthy.
- DO NOT share your secret with someone that you have an attraction to or a sexual charge with. It’s really important that you don’t tempt yourself with physical or emotional comfort from this person because it will distract you from the work you’re doing, and it might even cause you to keep more secrets.
Go ahead and write down some people that immediately come to mind. Use these guidelines to narrow down your list to whoever makes the most sense to share this particular secret with.
How to Tell Your Secret
Now that you’ve identified the person you’ll tell your secret to, let’s take a look at how to tell your secret, including what to say (this is important because you don’t want to overshare – you want to keep it simple, truthful, and complete!).
Schedule to Meet In-Person
After you’ve chosen who to tell your secret to, schedule some time with them. It’s really best for this process to take place face-to-face, human-to-human, instead of over your device. Making eye contact, sharing a hug, and seeing a smile or a nod of recognition is part of the healing.
Prepare Them
While you’re asking for their time, tell them that you’ve been doing some self-work. You’ve been working through the Secret-Breaking System™ and you need their undivided attention while you share something you’ve held in for a long time. Let them know that you really value them and feel safe with them, and ask if this is something that they can do.
That undivided attention is really important. You need to request this because you want them to be prepared and willing to hold space for you. Imagine if you started to tell someone one of your darkest secrets while they were picking their kids up from school or they had you on speaker phone. You don’t want to catch anyone off guard. You deserve to be truly heard, so you don’t want to just drop a bomb or blurt it out.
Prepare Yourself
Telling your secret should be a thoughtful process, and being prepared will help you create a meaningful and healing experience. You don’t want to do it in a rush or on the fly. By sharing your thoughts in a complete and intentional way, you’ll open up the space in your heart to find the courage for your next steps.
In my book, Break Free From Your Dirty Little Secrets, there’s a template for “Preparing to Tell Your Secret” in Stage 6. This is key to the preparing process—looking at all sides of the secret before you let the cat out of the bag. Use that to give you all of the markers you need so you don’t get lost in the details.
Keep in mind that the point in sharing your secret is never to hurt someone else or yourself. It’s to come clean about the secret that you’ve been hiding, and to reveal those truths so that you can stop the patterns of the false self and stop creating more secrets.
Telling Your Secret
You might get emotional. They might get emotional. And that’s okay, because this is the last time that you’re going to have to tell that secret.
Once the secret is out there, your true self can thrive. It’s amazing when you can do that, because you don’t have to carry that weight anymore. When that burden is gone, you can do the process again to tell another secret. Each time you do, you’ll get closer and closer to the real you, who’s always been there.
Don’t forget to work through the first 6 stages of the 10-Stage Secret-Breaking System before you tell your secrets!
