As the year winds down and we move into the season of reflection and gratitude, many companies are preparing for performance reviews and year-end conversations. But feedback isn’t just a workplace ritual, it’s part of every relationship that matters.
How we give it and how we receive it determines whether trust deepens or erodes, at work, at home, and everywhere in between.
Early in my career, I had a boss who looked me straight in the eye and said, “I am your superior. You are my subordinate. Do not question my authority.” I was outraged, because I did think I was right, and I couldn’t believe anyone would speak to me that way. It wasn’t just condescending. It was silencing.
But over time, I realized that while the delivery was wrong, there was something there for me to learn. I began to pay attention to how I came across, the energy I carried into a room, the force of my opinions, the way my presence landed on others. That feedback, however poorly delivered, made me more nuanced, more aware, and ultimately, a better communicator.
Fast-forward to now. Just earlier this month, my husband and I were having a hard time. We had to sit down and give each other honest feedback about how we were showing up in our relationship. It was uncomfortable and emotional, but necessary. Because feedback, when we let it in, gives us the opportunity to grow. And without growth, we stay stagnant.
That’s what I’ve come to appreciate most, especially this time of year. Feedback is one of the hardest gifts to receive, but when we approach it with gratitude, everything changes. Gratitude softens our defensiveness. It opens our hearts to possibility. It allows us to say,
“This may not be easy to hear, but I’m thankful for the chance to learn.”
After nearly two decades of coaching executives, teams, and high performers, I’ve learned that the way we handle feedback shapes everything, from our leadership to our relationships to our self-perception. Whether you’re sitting down for a performance review, leading a team through change, or navigating a tough conversation at home, here are three ways to give feedback that builds trust rather than tension:
1. Separate the data from the drama.
Feedback is just information filtered through another person’s lens. It’s not the whole truth, it’s a truth. When you remove the emotion or defensiveness, you can ask, “What part of this might be useful to me?” And when you’re the one giving feedback, focus on observable behavior rather than interpretation.
- Instead of: “You’re disrespectful.”
- Try: “When I was speaking, you interrupted before I could finish. Can we talk about that?”
Facts invite growth. Accusations invite resistance.
2. Not all feedback carries equal weight.
Before internalizing it, pause and reflect:
- Who is giving it, and what’s their relationship to me?
- What’s their expertise or experience?
- Do I value their opinion?
- What’s their emotional state and mine?
You don’t have to absorb every comment or critique as truth. Feedback is data, not direction. You get to decide what’s worth keeping and what’s worth releasing. That discernment is what turns feedback into fuel, not friction.
3. Close the loop with curiosity.
When feedback becomes a dialogue, trust grows.
If you’re giving it, ask:
“How does that land for you?”
“What would help this feel more constructive?”
If you’re receiving it, try:
“Can you tell me more about what you noticed?”
Curiosity keeps the door open. It turns a hard moment into an opportunity for understanding — and ultimately, for change.
Try this reflection exercise:
This week, notice one area in your life where giving or receiving feedback feels hard.
It could be with a colleague, your partner, or even yourself.
- Name the opportunity. What conversation have you been avoiding?
- Reflect on the intention. What do you hope will happen if you have it?
- Choose your approach. How can you communicate in a way that builds trust, not tension?
Then, take one small step to close that gap, even if it’s just starting the conversation.
When I think back on both moments, the stinging words from my boss at 20 and the raw, honest talk with my husband years later, I’m grateful for them both. The first taught me how to be more intentional with my presence. The second reminded me that love and growth require honesty.
Feedback isn’t comfortable. But it’s sacred. It’s how we learn to lead better, love better, and live with more awareness.
So as we move through this season of Thanksgiving, may we all find gratitude not just for the praise that feels good, but for the truth that helps us grow.
And if you’re leading a team, coaching others, or simply trying to communicate more effectively in your own life, this is where the real transformation begins, in how we listen, how we respond, and how we choose to see feedback as a pathway to deeper trust.
